Thorpe, Sam: The Christian Home-02 ~ Word Alive SE

More than help us set the importance of the husband fulfilling the role that God has given him within the home. What is this? It's a square. Homer said a square, I hope. But, uh, I want you to look at it a little differently. This is the local New Testament assembly, okay? This is the local New Testament church. Now, in light of that, I want you to look at it again. What is that? In light of the fact that the big square is the church, the local church, what is this? It's, what is the local assembly made up of? Families, right. And what I've tried to illustrate here is that the local church is really a collection of individual family units. That's what the body of Christ is, collectively coming together and meeting in one location. But if we were to take each unit, we might see that within each unit there's a husband and a wife, and there's two children. Or, in the case of someone like Sammy Gruber, there's a husband and a wife and a bunch of children. But whatever the case may be, that's really what an assembly is, isn't it? And if we've never realized this, I think it's such cru- it's a crucial thing to realize today. Satan has tried and tried and tried to get at the Lord Jesus Christ. You can go back to Genesis, and you can trace all the way through the Bible, and you'll see that Satan has led one attack after another to defeat the Lord Jesus Christ. And today in our society, I believe the way he has chosen to defeat, or his strategy, his plan of attack in defeating the person of Jesus Christ and his work, is to begin with family units. How do you eat an elephant? A bite at a time. How do you destroy a local assembly? A family unit at a time. How do you destroy a family unit? Piece at a time. And if Satan can get the husband to be ineffective in terms of what he's doing, he's got a vulnerability, he's got a foot in the door. If he can get a wife to destroy her role and not follow her role, he's got a foot in the door. If he can get a child, uh, to act in a rebellious way to cause havoc in that home, he's got a foot in the door. And this is a plan that is happening in our society, it's happening within our family, it's happening within our local assemblies. Satan is seeking to get at the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ by attacking that that he knows is most precious to the Lord, and that is his body. You see, he's trying to get to the head, but in order to get to the head, he's starting off with the members of the body first, and he's knocking them off piece by piece. And that's why it's so important that the health of the local assembly, of local New Testament church, is only as healthy and as strong as the health of its individual family units that come together. And, uh, it's so critical, and, uh, that's why we're taking the subject this morning up. Now turn to lesson four, page one. And I've illustrated just in a little picture format, Mr. and Mrs. Glory to Man. We looked at Mister and Mrs. Glory to God a moment ago, but I want to suggest that this is Mister and Mrs. Glory to Man. What, what do you see there? I want you to take just a minute and study the picture. What do you see? What's communicated to you? Switch roles. Why is it a switch in roles? He's carrying the groceries, she's carrying the briefcase. Subtle, isn't it? First glance, it just looks normal. Husband and wife. And yet, see, that's the subtlety that many times Satan uses in these things that we're looking at. They're so make sensible, they're so humanly logic- logical, they're so rational, and yet they're so contrary to the word of God. Let's turn to page two. What is a father? Ephesians chapter six and verse four, and you fathers provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. There are three root words that form the word father, that are the basis for the word father. There's the word nourish, there's the word protect, and there's the word uphold. Uh, the word nourish means to feed. There you have the responsibility of loving care. The, the word protect means to guard, and there you have the responsibility of setting the proper limits, setting protection. And there, with the word uphold, it's to support. Uh, and it's there, it's the concept of the supports that go underneath a vine, a grapevine, so that the grapevine grows above the ground and can produce fruit. One of the words that support the word father is that word for the support structure to hold the vine up. And so you can see our responsibility within the home is to make sure that the home is being fed properly, to make sure that the home is being guarded against from those forces that would cause problems and, and, and, and difficulty within, to set limits, to set boundaries, and to uphold, to support, so that the home can be fruitful, the home can grow in a proper way. Additional word study here on, on fatherhood from Ephesians six four. As you look at the word provoke there, it's the word that represents intense anger or wrath. Uh, and uh, how often we know it's true that a father's provoking can stir and bring a child to a- wrath and to anger. A father's anger can stir his children to anger. Bring them up. Well, the original thought in these words is raising them from weaning to adulthood. This is the thought. The concept is the mother has the child from birth through the point of weaning. This is the biblical concept. The mother has the child from birth to weaning, and when the child is weaned, the father's key is now it's my responsibility to take that child that's been weaned from that point to adulthood, to the point to which they go on their own. Nurture. The word nurture in the Bible has a twofold meaning. It means to train, and it means to chasten. Both concepts are in that word. And there you have the beautiful balance of positive instruction and yet discipline, punishment, or negative, uh, correction. And, uh, again, you're going to hear the word balance over and over and over, because to me, if there's one word that's so critical in understanding God's principles, it's understanding that word balance. And here you have the beautiful balance of training in a positive way, and yet also being willing to discipline when there's chastening that needs to be done. And then the word admonish, admonishment or admonish, we're told to be an admonishment in the Lord, admon- admonition in the Lord. And that simply means to put to mind or to remind, uh, to bring forward again the truths that have already been taught, to to repeat over and over so that the truths, uh, through repetition are not lost but are instilled within our children. Now, husbands, page three. uh, here is a survey that was done by the Navigators, and I picked it up in the nineteen eighties, but uh, human nature is what it is. I don't think it has changed much, and if you want to check it out, if your wife is not here, uh, I would suggest you, you, you uh, verify it with her. Uh, but here is a survey that was done supposedly of what wives desire most from their husbands. And if you haven't done this, this is a good practice to sit down with your wife at some point, go off on a retreat, go off, take a weekend, go to the mountains, go to the beach, go to some, uh, hotel nearby, uh, uh, wherever, uh, your finances would allow, uh, to just get away and have some time to share and talk. And one of the things I suggest that you do when you do that is ask her, what are your needs and how can I meet those needs? What do you want out of me as your husband? And this is supposedly the top ten that was taken from a very, very large survey of wives. Fulfill the role of man. Number one. the number one desire was that the man fulfill what he should be as the role of a man in the husband, in the, in the marriage relationship. Number two, have a real interest in the home. You remember so often as husbands, we said we could very easily evolve to the point where it's not a home, it's a house, it's a place we live, a place we eat, a place we sleep, and then we're going to work. And, uh, have a real interest in the home. Be a father to the children. Care and personal habits. I think that has something to do with the way you put the toilet paper on the roll and, uh, how you squeeze the toothpaste, and that's all I'm going to say. I'm not going to go any further into that. We'll really be stepping on toes. Uh, but care in personal habits. Financial fairness and responsibility. Uh, uh, paying the bills, making sure the bills are paid, being diligent and careful in our family budget. Number six, patient in sexual relationships. Seven, little remembrances. You know, I've often said that it's not the big things that destroy a marriage, it's the little things. It's the little things that destroy. It's the little things that are left unattended that build and become a problem. It's a wonderful study in the Word of God. If you've never traced the subject little things, do that. Tremendous study in the Bible, the little things of the Bible. But let me just illustrate it this way. In a marriage relationship, so often there are little things that come into a marriage that aren't dealt with, and if they're not dealt with, they become like a brick, a brick between you and your husband. And as long as that little thing is left unresolved, you know, it's no problem to step over that brick and to come over here and still have a decent relationship, and she can step over that brick and still come over here and have a decent relationship. But every now and then, another little thing comes along, and another little thing, and before you know it, it's a little bit harder to step over this wall, but you can still step over it, and you get over it all right, and you still have somewhat of a relationship, but these little things keep building and building to the point that pretty soon it's a whole lot easier to not even try. And so we just stay over here. Why did it get that way? How did it get that way? It wasn't no big issue. It wasn't any mammoth problem. It was a compilation of little bricks that weren't dealt with, each one in their own right, and resolved and taken care of, and they built and built and built and built until eventually it's too much trouble to get across the wall. Little things, little remembrances are so important, little notes of thank you. Set goals and direction for advancement. Uh, have a strategic plan for your family. If you've never sat down with your wife and said, okay, what are the goals for this coming year? Here are the goals that I've set personally that I want to do, and here are my goals for our home. Uh, if you've never set goals for your marriage relationship, if you've never set goals for your home, do it. You know, you d- you do- usually don't reach goals that never set. Now, every now and then, the a hog's lucky and picks up an acorn. They say that, you know, a hog can get lucky and every now and then stumble across an acorn. But most of the times, the way that we become successful in what we do is through proper planning and establishing goals and reaching toward those goals. Discuss things more. Now, we talked about communications a little bit ago, and showing appreciation, showing respect, and uh, uh, just showing one another that you appreciate one another. So, that's from a large collection of wives in nineteen eighty, and I suggest that it hasn't changed much, but I would like for you to check it out with your own wife in the coming days. Lesson four, page four, the husband's primary role. Well, I'm going to suggest that there are four things that make up his primary role. The first one is that he is a leader. We get that from Ephesians five twenty three. We see that he is to be the head of the wife. He's the head of the, of the home. He's the leader of the home. But not only is the leader, he's the lover. And there you have the balance that we've been talking about. He is to love his wife, just as Christ loved the church. We're going to develop that in a little bit more, so hang in there on that. He's the nourisher. There's the caring and the feeding. I, uh, uh, like to have animals around. I'm sort of an animal lover. It's one of the reasons why we ended up on a little, a little farm, so I could have some chickens and goats and, and donkeys and cows and whatever else is running around there these days. But, you know, one of the things I've learned, and sheep probably more so than anything else, take attention. They take care, and they're helpless in and of themselves. They need our care. They need our attention. And, uh, sometimes it's sad that we see men today nurturing and caring for things more outside the home than within the home. And then the cherisher is to nurture and cherish, and that's the affection, the keeping the, the fires warm. That's the showing the appreciation. That's the, the showing thankfulness and, and uh, tenderness and affection. And uh, so these are four areas. Now, uh, there certainly could be more, but if you've, if and if you've conquered these four and mastered them, then you can go on and look for some others. But I'm going to suggest that this is a good starting point. Start with these four and realize that these are divinely given responsibilities, husbands, that you have before the Lord. Uh, and what is our example in these? Well, there is a threefold example given to us in Ephesians chapter five and verse twenty three. We're to lead as Christ led the church. We're to love as Christ loved the church. And we're to care for our wives as we care for ourselves. That's the threefold example. Lead as Christ led, love as Christ led, and care as we care for ourselves. You know, we're all basically very, very selfish creatures. And, you know, we don't have to be told to look out for number one. That's what the world tells us, look out for number one. But that's a very common instinct. Selfishness is one of the aspects of the fall of man. It's a sin that's inherent within our fallen nature, to be selfish, to look out for our own interests before the interests of others. And, uh, the Lord has taken that concept, and, uh, you may refute this with me. Some have misused this verse to, to, to say that this is what the Bible preaches, but I don't believe the Bible tells us anywhere to love ourselves. Let me say that again. I don't believe the Bible instructs us anywhere to love ourselves. And the reason it doesn't is because it doesn't have to. We naturally love ourselves. We naturally care for ourselves. That's just the way we're made. So the instruction we need and the admonition we need is to turn that love around, turn that care around, and particularly in our marriage relationship, that we're to use that same care and affection that we have for ourselves, uh, to our wives. Now there's page five, seven key elements of Christ's love for the church. Now again, I said the model as husbands that we need to use to love our wives is Christ loved the church. That's a very lofty model. Uh, that's a high, high goal, isn't it? How can we begin to love our wives as Christ has loved the church? Well, that's what he told us. That's his instruction, and he certainly must have equipped us to work in that direction and to accomplish that for his glory through his strength and power and the filling of the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the Holy Spirit. And so let's get on with it, and let's see what the love of Christ is. What are the moments that we're supposed to love as Christ loved? Let's study Christ's love. And if we study the love of Christ and we understand how Christ loved us, then we take that in turn and we can apply it to our responsibilities to love our wives. And so we see, first of all, Christ's love was unconditional. There was unconditional forgiveness. So often, the husband will be in a situation with the wife, and uh, and uh, there'll be an offense, there'll be a, a wrong, there'll be a misunderstanding, whatever the case may be, and I hope you have those. I hope those happen in your home. I was sharing with some not too long ago that, uh, several years after we were married, we were talking with another couple far, far away from here. Actually, they're one of Barbara's relatives, so I can, I can share it a little bit. But actually, it was her brother, okay? It was Barbara's brother. And, uh, and we were sitting around talking as a family, and, uh, we were talking about family concepts and husband wife, and responsibilities, and, and he came out and he says, well, you know, Sam, he says, my wife and I, we have never had a crossword. Never had a crossword. Of course, I was so mad inside, I just wanted to, you know, come back with something smart, you know. And I thought for a minute, and I said, how boring. How boring. You know, I don't know how you can do that. I think he was lying, really. Uh... Because, you know, there's only way, a ways a husband and wife can live together for that long and not have a crossword, and that'd be one of them dead. Maybe both of them dead, I'm not sure. But, you know, uh, we're to learn to forgive and to forgive unconditionally. And many times when we get in these situations, we say, well, it was her fault, and if she realizes it, if she comes to the conclusion of that and she's willing to come and ask forgiveness, I'll forgive her. Big boy, big boy. That's great, isn't it? You know, if she comes like a puppy dog on her hands and knees and says, please forgive me, then I'll forgive her. Well, isn't that great? That's not what Christ did for us, did he? From the cross, seeing us in our sin, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. And that's the kind of love that God asks us to love. Self-sacrificing. Well, we certainly see that through the life of Christ. He was one who gave his life sacrificially for the sheep, uh, and uh, certainly, uh, sacrifice is something that is, should be characteristic of our love for our wives. It gets to that whole root of selfishness. The opposite of self-sacrificing is selfishness. There's a wide gap between selflessness and selfishness. And so often we're selfish and not selfless. And so often the Lord would call us to be self-sacrificing in our relationship to him. Well, that same spirit applies in our relationship to our husbands and wives. To be willing to sacrifice, to be willing to care, have compassion upon one another. How many times we see our Lord in the Gospels, and it says he was moved with compassion, moved with compassion, and that compassion needs to characterize our love for our wives. Providing and enabling. How many times do we see, uh, our Lord providing for the needs of those, enabling one another to do what needs to be done, and, uh, available and accessible. Available and accessible. You know, our Lord had enough time to let the little kids crawl up in his lap, and and I often am amused as I think of the disciples, you know, trying to scurry the kids away. Get away, he's a busy man, you know? He's got ten lepers down there, he's got to go heal, he can't spend time with you. And what did the Lord say? Now suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not, for such is the kingdom of God. And yet how many times have we told our own children, well, I'm too busy. I'm too busy. I don't have enough time. Catch me later. I got to do this now. Uh, we need to be accessible, and we need to know what it is to be available. You know, there's a lot that's said today about quality time. Quality time. And, you know, personally, uh, well, if you don't know, well, now I'm an opinionated person, and I don't have any problem sharing my opinion, so I'll just share this one. I think quality time is a cop-out. I think it's nothing but a cop-out. It's said by people who know that they can't make themselves accessible. They can't spend the time that's needed, and so to soothe their conscience, they say, well, I know I can't be there very long because I've got this career to maintain, and I've got this I've got to worry about, and this, but I tell you what, we're gonna carve out some quality time. We might not be able to get together just an hour a week, but that hour, that's gonna be just a, a wonderful hour. I don't know about you, but I've never seen a five-year-old come up and say, boy, I just had some quality time with my dad. I have heard five-year-old kids come up and say, you know, my dad took me fishing all day Saturday. We went out on a great hike through the woods, and we just had a great... I have heard those things, but I haven't heard that quality time concept from the child's point of view. You see, we need to know what it is to be accessible to our family and to our children. And then, instruction and leadership. We need to know what it is to instruct and to teach. We're going to say a little bit more about that, but it's so important to instruct, and the instruction is at different levels, isn't it? At the le- younger le- level, you're going to be teaching something totally different than when they're eighteen and twenty and twenty five. but you never stop instructing. That responsibility is there to teach. And then praise and recognition. Well, we see our Lord, uh, certainly is one who, uh, will praise. We're all looking for the day, hopefully, when we stand before him and hear those words, well done, thou good and faithful servant. But, you know, we need to know what it is to say that to our children, to say that to our wives. Well done. Uh, I'm thankful for your faithfulness. You did a good job in this. You did a good job here. Uh, some folks just praise comes naturally, and others of us have to really work at it. It- it's just not a normal, natural thing for us to do. And uh, so sometimes we have to just make a note of it, just physically make a note of it, uh, to remember to do that and give the praise and the recognition that is desiring to be done. Page six. how does the Bible describe love? We're to love our wives, we're to love our wives as Christ loved the church, and uh, we see that uh, it's a commitment of the will, isn't it? Love is not that intangible, emotional, uh, moving of our bowels and that internal gushy feeling that gives us a tingle from one end of our spine to the other. Those things may happen, but that's not what love is, isn't it? Love is a commitment of our will, and that's a biblical concept of love, and in many societies and many cultures, uh, this is understood to be more what love is than it is in our society, where there is the freedom of voluntarily entering into relationships. But in many countries and many societies, this understanding of love being a commitment of the will, it's something I'm going to do and I'm going to commit to do, is something I believe that we lost somewhat in our culture. Love involves sacrificially giving. We've touched on this a little bit. Love is voluntary, not demanding. Love is a growing process. Uh, when I first met Barbara, uh, this is one area that I believe I have to differ with James Dobson. James Dobson says there's no s- no such thing as love at first sight, and I believe there is, because I believe I experienced it. Now, it might have been a very small love, but I believe it was love, and but, you know, there's no way that I can compare the love I have for my wife today with the love that I felt was there the first time I saw her. It's a growing process, and it should be growing and multiplying and maturing through our relationship. It's love that matures through our relationship with God. One of the brothers in the break mentioned this to me, and it's so true that you have a, a triangle. I'll just take a minute to do this. You have a triangle in a relationship, and there is the husband, and there is the wife, and there is God. And the closer this husband goes to God, and the closer this wife gets to God, the closer they grow to one another. You see, it's a function that's inherent, and that inherent function is so true as you grow closer to God. Uh, each one of you are individually accountable for your relationship with the Lord. Certainly, you can encourage your spouse to come along and grow with you and vice versa, but each one of you independently have a relationship with God, and as you grow in that relationship to God, you are going to grow closer to one another as you mature. It focuses on each other's needs. It doesn't judge, but accepts and understands. First Corinthians thirteen is just a tremendous passage that gives us definition of what love really is in contrast to our human nature. Love binds together, builds up, and it beautifies. That was a phrase that we got many years ago from T. Ernest Wilson. I don't know if you remember T. Ernest Wilson, but as he returned back from Africa and came back to the United States for his last years, I remember him saying this very clearly, that the desire of his heart for the remaining years that he had left within the body of Christ was to build up, to bind up, and to beautify the Church of God. That is our responsibility within the home, fathers, to build up, to bind up, and to beautify our home and our family and our relationship. Love takes the necessary actions to produce positive growth. And so you see some of the descriptions of love within the Bible that should be characteristic of our love for our wives. Page seven, let's get rather practical in this subject and go on to how we actually demonstrate and show our love. Five practical ways to express loving support. Well, one way is to verbally state it. You've all heard the joke about the guy that married the wife and, uh, and uh, he told her he loved her, and and then the years went on, the years went on, and she never heard it. And finally, after about thirty years, she said, well, do you still love me? And he said, sure I do. I told you that thirty years ago, and if it ever changed, I'll let you know. You know? But that one time isn't enough. And uh, I don't know about you, but I love to hear my wife say, I love you, and I'm sure that she loves to hear you say, I love you. Your children love to hear them, uh, your children love to hear you say I love you to them, uh, just as much as you love to hear your children say to you, I love you. And so that needs to be verbalized. Sometimes it can be written out, sometimes it can be put in a poem or a card. Uh, but then the practical way of showing your love is by sharing time. Love is demonstrated in the nitty-gritty aspects of life, and one of those aspects of life is scheduling time with them, as we said before. Not quality time, just time, being available, being accessible. Being an understanding listener. Now, this is something, guys, that we really need some instruction on. I heard the Joel, uh, Stoll, uh, Stoll from Moody, is it? Is that his name? Uh, Stoll? Joel Stoll, something like that. Joseph Stoll. Thank you, thank you. And, uh, he said he was talking on this subject. He said he was driving along in the car, they were on a trip, and his wife was just, now this is his words, his wife was just babbling on, talking about this and talking about that, and you know, he was driving along, he had his mind on something, and all of a sudden he heard those dreaded words that puts fear and horror in every man's life, and that is he heard those words coming to him, dear, what do you think about that? He said he had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, had no idea what the subject was, and he said he was very thankful that the thought came into his mind to say, that's really interesting. Yeah, what, what do you think? Hoping that he could spin off of that, but he was in trouble. He knew he was in trouble, and he was treading water quickly. Uh, we all get into that situation, and it's because we don't learn to listen. And part of it is because, uh, as we said earlier, we are different, and a woman is more tuned into the details, and when she wants to tell you something, she wants to lay the groundwork so that you understand the bottom line. You know, she wants to give you everything that builds up to that bottom line, but you don't want that, do you? Just give it to me in a sentence, dear. I just want the bottom line. Get to the point, right? It's just the way we are, and by understanding that, uh, we've got to work on those, those, uh, differences and be understanding listeners. Uh, listening is really an art, and we could, we could just spend an hour on some of the things on that subject in terms of listening. Learn to praise and reward. Uh, be a rewarding father and husband, and, uh, be physically and publicly affectionate. Now, certainly within discretion, I should have added, but uh, let me illustrate this. When I was in Africa last year, uh, we were uh over a young couple's house that were serving the Lord in a very, very poverty, impoverished area, and they brought us to our home, and we just spent the whole day with them, and but the the the men in Africa will not show any public affection. Um, in fact, uh, they can go all day long at a Bible conference and never even see their wife, don't even sit with her, and probably don't even eat lunch with her. Where, you know, we would be hunting each out at the break and talking to one another, sitting together, and certainly eating together. Uh, that- that's just not their culture. And uh, and I think it's a- a- a lack it's and because God has made us differently. And uh, so as we were in this home, I was about ready to take their picture, and, uh, I had the camera set up to take the picture, and I, I said to, to Pews, I said, Pews, uh, let's see, uh, you know them, don't you, Mary? Yeah, I said to Pews, take Mary's wife, um, take Mary's hand, take Mary's hand. And he looked at me like I said, just, you know, go stand on your head in the corner somewhere, you know? I said, really, just take her hand, just hold her hand for the picture, excuse. So he did, he held her hand, and you should see his, his look was bewilderment, but you should have seen her eyes. Mary's eyes were gleaming and glowing. It might have been the first time in their marriage relationship where he had ever publicly held her hand, and by looking at her face and looking at her wa- her wa- her her reaction, I knew that that this was a principle that spans all cultures and all societies, and yet sometimes we do get this, uh, out of out of whack. Be physical and publicly affectionate. Be kind and tender. Seven things a father would re- with regrets would said, said he would do differently. This is a, uh, something you've probably seen before. It's been published quite a few times. There's a little track out about it. I'll just go through it quickly. This is a father who, who grew after thirty years of raising his children. He looked back and he said, here's seven things I would do differently if I could do it all over again. I would love the mother of my children more. I would listen more to my wife and children. I would seek to give my children more of a feeling of belonging. I would express more words of praise and appreciation. I would spend more time together with the family. I would laugh a lot more, and I would be more of a spiritual leader in my home. You know, it's sad to have regrets, isn't it? And with many of you, there's no need to have regrets. All of us can start where we're at in our relationship and begin to improve. Go to page eight. The two most important factors in a family leadership. We've touched on this already. The first one has to do with firmness, and the second one has to do with love. Number one, establish clearly defined limits and consistently enforce known consequences for violating the limits. That's the firmness that a father needs, the husband needs. The second one is commit to love and support each child outwardly with gentleness, kindness, and warm affection. That's the love. Now, neither one of those two in and of themselves should ever exist alone. The thought is to balance these two, and I want to illustrate what happens when they're not balanced, when they're not in, in, in, uh, together. The first one is what I call the dominant leader, and that's the one who has a yes to the first one, but a no to the second one. Here's the man who knows what it is to set the limits, and boy, you cross those limits, there's consequences, and you better believe he's gonna fulfill those consequences. But there's not that loving support, that genuine care, that outward gentleness and kindness that balances it. So he's the dominant leader. Then there's the the neglectful leader. He has a no to both of them. He hasn't set any limits, and he hasn't shown any commitment to love and gentleness and kindness. He's just totally neglectful, and there's a lot of families like that today. Then there's the permissive leader, and that's the one who says no to number one. I'm not going to set any limits. My children are basically creative creatures, and uh, they've just got to grow to express themselves, like the parent that saw his kid take a brick and throw it through the front window, and he immediately said, boy, what good aim. You're going to make a baseball player someday, you know? Uh, no limits, but all encouragement and all support and love. You see, that is even wrong when it's out of balance. And what do we want? We want the loving, firm leadership style. We want the husband who knows what it is to say, here are the limits, and here's the consequences, but can do that in a loving, gentle, tender, compassionate, supportive way. As those twos are balanced together, I believe that is what is taught in scripture from the real role of the father and the father's responsibility within the home. Page nine is dealing with this issue of provoking to wrath. Uh, some have actually called it closing the spirit. Uh, you can see sometimes in a dominant family relationship where you have a father who is just, uh, here are the limits, here are the rules, there's no compassion, there's no gentleness. Sometimes the, the spirit begins to close in the child. uh, th- there seems to be a, a breaking down of communication. Some of the signs of this spirit closing off is going to be a countenance of anger, uh, hands that are clenched when people are together, remaining physically distant, not even wanting to sit close to one another when you talk, being quiet, withdrawn, unresponsive. If you've got a child that fits these characteristics, more than likely there is an offense, there is anger that's built up, there is a problem that hasn't been dealt with, and the child's spirit in relation to you is closing down. How do fathers cause this event? Giving orders without understanding the full situation, uh, disciplining, disciplining surface behavior without understanding the child's emotional needs, not listening, too busy to be involved with children. I'll never forget the time, I don't want to embarrass my son, but I'll never forget the time that I gave him a real good old fashioned li- wic- whipping, just like the kind I got when I was coming up, and then afterwards he explained to me something that I didn't know, and had I known that, I never would have given him that spanking. Boy, that's hard, isn't it? That is hard. You know, the God asks us to do one of the most important tasks in all the world without any experience. He gives us his spirit, and he gives us his word, but I believe he also showers us with his grace, because he knows we're going to make mistakes. And there's probably many of you here this today that have made mistakes, and you've done things that just weren't by the book or what we've been looking at today. Let me just reassure you that God is so gracious, and if our hearts are right and our desires are right, even though we make mistakes in these merit m- uh, in these uh areas, God's grace many times will overrule and help. And uh, but be aware that we can do this to our children as we're not sensitive to the needs. What's the five steps of opening a closed spirit? Begin to express tenderness and gentleness in your words, in your tone of voice. You know, sometimes not what you say, but it's how you say it. And, uh, I've seen that so true. I've seen myself say something, and it had absolutely no effect. And I've seen my wife say the exact same thing, and it seemed to get through and make an impact. Why? It's not what was said, it was how it was said, and the spirit in which it was delivered that makes all the difference in the world. Seek to understand how the child really feels. Now, this next one, sometimes it's hard for us as fathers, admit your harshness or lack of understanding and say, I was wrong, I was sorry. You know, that is something that we all struggle with. It's the three hardest things to ever say for a man. I was wrong, or I am sorry. It's hard because we are so proud, and we're creatures that don't want to admit we're wrong when we're wrong. I saw this in my father. I know you've probably seen it in your father. You've seen it in yourself. I've seen it in myself. It's something we all struggle with. I'll never forget the time, the first time that, and it was a while after we were married and a while after our children, uh, were coming along, that I had the courage to sit down with my kids and say, you know, I really messed up. I was wrong, and I want your forgiveness. I, I want your, your, your, your apology because I'm apologizing. I- I'm sorry. I did it wrong. I was wrong. Will you forgive me? Now, after you do it once, it's a little easier to do it the second time when it's needed, but it's so hard. It's so hard. It's just something we have to force ourselves to do when we know it's the right thing to do. Attempt to touch and share warm emotions. Hug each other. Put our arms around one another. Be tender, compassionate. Seek forgiveness and reconciliation. The steps of opening a spirit that is closing. We've taken Ephesians chapter six and verse four, and uh, I've paraphrased it, uh, based on studying the, the words and doing a word study all through it, and what principles we've looked at so far. And this is how I would read Ephesians six four back to you. We'll call it the personal amplified version or something like that. You that are responsible for the nourishing, protecting, and upholding of your children to fruitful adulthood, do not treat them with anger or cause them to become angry, but rear them up from the nursing dependent stage with the power and wisdom of the Lord. Provide for them clearly defined limits through example and instruction, followed by consistent chastening of disobedience. Be faithful and patient to remind them often of the biblical truths previously taught, which are a foundation of your love and the sole authority of your instruction. Believe it or not, that's all there in those words. As you take the meaning of those words and you expand it in, in a, in a wider version. Page eleven, giving our children back to God. This is one of the wonderful things that we can realize as parents, and that is that our children are just entrusted to us for a short period of time. And it's a wonderful gift to give back to the Lord. I think of Hannah and, uh, her desire to have a child. It was so great, but then her willingness to give him back was even greater, wasn't it? And that's the, uh, privilege that each one of our ha- ha- uh, each one of us have to have children. They're simply, excuse me, they're simply loaned to us for a short period of time to be returned to his glory. And of course, you can study this in the life of Samuel. But as you do this, we're to prepare our children for God's usefulness. If we're going to give them back to God at some point, let's give them back to God s- in a point where they're fi- they can hit the ground running. Let's give them back to God, uh, at a point where he can immediately begin to use them and not have to start all over undoing what we didn't do or failed to do in the training process. Let's give our children back to God, ready, equipped, eh, to be used in his service. We're to teach our children. Uh, there's, here's some principles, seven principles, of course, there's always seven. Uh, Seven principles to teach our children for God's usefulness. The first one, and I correlate these with every one of the, every one of them is tied back into the teaching that Christ has given us. First one is to teach our children to accum- uh, we teach our children to accumulate things, quality things. Now that sounds like something positive, isn't it? Uh, son, if you're gonna buy this, get something with quality. You know, if you're gonna buy a daughter, if you're gonna buy a dining room set or, or some china, get quality. We say those things, don't we? We, but the subtle thing is that we're teaching our children the value of things and material that sometimes is improper, that gets out of perspective, and that gives, uh, uh, a, a, a distorted or, or a, a, a, uh, confusing, uh, view in terms of the Bible's teaching. What does Christ teach? We're to forsake all and follow him. Uh, the Lord doesn't teach us to accumulate things, quality things. We teach our children that society does not respect poor people, you know? Get a job, get an education, earn a living. Uh, and yet the Lord says, blessed is the poor. We teach our children the importance of secular education, and certainly there's a place for that, but Christ's teaching is that the world's wisdom is foolishness. We teach our children, uh, to, uh, settle in on a career and get established, and yet the Lord says to go forth and preach the gospel. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. We teach them the value of financial stability, and yet Christ says, lay up for yourself treasures in heaven. We teach them to be health conscious, to don't overdo it, yet Christ says, come and join me in the yoke. We teach them to maintain close family ties, and yet Christ teaches, love me more than family. The point I'm making here is the point I said earlier, and that is balance, balance. We can take some of these teachings and in a meaningful way, in a, in a, in a good way, we think we're teaching them the right things for them to be good, uh, responsible citizens in society and to grow up to have happiness and, and joy in their life. And if we don't balance it with a biblical perspective of these things, many times we can confuse them and lead them astray. And so we need to know what it is to, yes, uh, teach them the importance of education, but to balance it with the real important education is that you know the word of God, that you're educated in the things of God, and that you're seeking the wisdom of the Lord, and so on and so forth. And so, uh, we see many times that we can teach our children to love this life, to love this earth, very subtly, where Christ teaches us to lose this life and to not get attached to this earth. It's Jim Elliot who said, he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. And that's the balance in these things that we're to have as we teach our children. Finally, I've just, in page four, have given, uh, what I call a periodic evaluation. This is a checklist for, for husbands. We'll have one for wives in just a little bit after the break, so hang in there. Uh, but uh, uh, this is something that you ought to go over just, uh, occasionally. Uh, and, and, and I think as you do it, it'll remind you of many of these principles that we've been talking about and, uh, get us back on track. So often, uh, we need to revisit the basics, don't we? And, uh, so often we find ourselves straying, as it were, from things that we knew, things that we've learned years ago, but we need to be reminded of them. And here is just a simple little checklist, uh, of fourteen things that can help us to remember some of the responsibilities that we have in our marriage relationship and our responsibilities at home. Let's just, uh, stop there, and, uh, let's take about a five or ten minute break, and we'll come back with lesson number five.